"The Ultimate Aphrodisiac:
© Steve Roberts - All Rights reserved
Sex... There, I've said it... There are two major hot buttons for
couples that come to see me: sex and money (we'll get to money in
People will not usually state it up front. It feels far too shameful to
approach right off. But eventually I find that the sexual part of their
life is ho-hum, less than satisfying, a subtle power game, or a hostile
This is far from the lusty, passionate and even sweet experience of
movies and advertisements. So, what's going on in the bedroom?
First, let me assure you that many couples have a sexual life that is
very fine. If you're in that category then great! If not, then read on.
Most of us know that men and women have very different notions about
sexuality. The stereotype is that men are just interested in bodies and
women just want emotional closeness. And our culture encourages these
stereotypes. However, there is also a lot of truth in them.
Men, I'm going to tell you something you'll probably not hear anywhere
else. So, listen up. At age 18 the hormones in the body work just fine.
We'll immediately get an erection if we look at a naked woman. But, by
the time we reach middle age this natural biological function has
Except for the men with the highest of sex drives we all find that the
pump has to be primed with: Emotional Intimacy. This means that we talk
with our partner, look deep into her eyes, listen to what she's about
and (yikes!) tell her about our deepest fears, failings, and desires to
Women have known this stuff all along. My wife has always had a saying,
"Love me in the kitchen, if you expect me to love you in the bedroom."
She doesn't mean grope her in the kitchen. She means to partake of life
with her, to
know her deeply, and to make sure she gets this message
all day long.
Women, it's a terribly frustrating experience to have your partner
experience impotency. If you're secure and caring you want to help him
so much, but the help is difficult to come up with. If you're insecure
you might start to believe it is you're fault and you're just not woman
enough to turn him on.
The real problem is usually a lack of priming the pump. And by that I
mean real serious emotional intimacy. And usually, your partner doesn't
have a clue to what this means. Usually we men learn about this stuff
from you women.
So, where's the 1,2,3 easy answer? Sorry to disappoint you. There
isn'tone. I could lose readership over this, but you need to hear the
Emotional intimacy requires a lasting commitment to entering the
other's life in deeper and deeper ways. There are books and books
written on this, but who follows the advice?
So, here is your assignment for later today: Tell your partner about a
fear you've never mentioned. Make sure it is one that you don't want to
bring up. Make sure it is a challenge to you. Regardless of the
reaction, know that you've just taken a step of maturity that can
ultimately be the step to a real turn on!
Steve is an experienced
Family Therapist who shares tips and real life
relationship secrets from over 20
practice. Married 31 years to Pam, his
partner in life and
profession, he has
personally known the peaks
and valleys of the
Is Your Sexual Relationship as Passionate,
Satisfying, and Erotic as you would like?
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