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Prairie Dog season has Arrived

March Madness has sunken into March Sadness - 3 cartridges, 2 less prairie dogs

by reporter Kanwe Talk

South of Florissant, Colorado. An apparent skirmish has been fought in what is likely the opening saga of this year’s prairie dog tragedy. A patrol from the Organization for the Protection of Galloping Horse Appendages (OPOGHA) was scouting the terrain claimed by the Prairie Dog Homeland Front(PGHF) when they were surprised by an uprising of two early season prairie dogs.

Shots were fired. PGHF forces sustained two casualties. When the leader of the OPOGHA patrol was asked if PGHF warriors returned fire he said, “It doesn’t matter. They were in the wrong place at the wrong time.”

Apparently, the OPOGHA patrol was on scout duty while harrowing the horse pastures. They expected no activity on the part of the prairie dogs this early in the season but were armed and prepared should it occur.

Pfc. Roberts stated for no particular record, “It was necessary but one sided. I regret the carnage, but would do it again for the sake of God and Horses. I’m patriotic, after all.” Asked if he thought a peaceful coexistence was possible he said, “Very unlikely. We’ll have to kill many before they are willing to relocate.”

This reporter reached the office of the Prairie Dog League for comment, “This was an aggressive act upon unarmed civilians by a militaristic power with no negotiating skills,” stated Chairman Upstanding. “Further, horses should be smart enough to learn not to step in prairie dog holes. It destroys our front doors as well as our back doors and creates confusion when the horse falls from a broken leg. The earthquake is devastating. PTSD is a real risk for our young ones.”

Unfortunately, these sentiments are not shared at the OPOGHA headquarters. Gen. Shoot’mded spoke officiously, “We support the desire for a Prairie Dog Homeland. However, we do not adhere to the historical precedent of many centuries of land occupation. Modern law is clear. Land held for the use of horses must not be dug into and littered with holes that create traps for the unwary equine creature. The prairie dogs may establish their Homeland a half mile South from the site in question.”

Asked about accounts that the OPOGHA had unintentionally destroyed numerous civilian prairie dog home entrances, Gen. Shoot’mded replied, “This is just so false. We definitely, with great intention, destroyed those doors. Harrowing is not just to break up the turds those horses always leave all over (this keeps down the flies, another enemy we mean to eliminate), but it also shows the prairie dogs our firm intention. They will come to realize that if they do not emigrate southward we will further desecrate their sacred living grounds until no prairie dog will be able to live or worship there.”

This investigator wanted to know if the horses had been consulted in this mission on their behalf, “We’re doing this for their own good. They just wander around not even thinking about the prairie dogs. Then they step in a hole and down they go. It is self-evident that the two species cannot coexist together and that humans must be the correcting force.”

When the PGHF forces were located to ask for their side of the story, they chose not to comment, apparently because they were dead.

In an apparent move to placate the environmentalists, the bodies were left lying in the field for scavengers to find. Additionally, Pfc. Roberts reported the third shot was necessary for humanitarian reasons, “I couldn’t stand watching those wiggling death throws. I had to end it more quickly.”